Floating Workshop-ness
March 11, 2008EDIT: I decided to change the time stamp of this post to class time to make it easier for people to find this.
Well, the school laptop decided to hate me for the last 7 hours.
Lots of rebooting had to be made as I attempted to try and fix it up to a state where it used to be…fast.
Took long enough. Anyways.
I was thinking of blogging but I have this addiction to an anime I am currently watching…and it’s best watched at night. Sorry about that.
Anyways since I don’t have much to say for the time being as it is 1:02 AM but I’m putting the timestamp at 7-11 PMish because of the laptop problem cutting into my time.
I really should stop getting off topic.
Anyways, here’s my paper for the floating worship.
…That does say workshop…right? Too sleepy to tell.
My essay is on how I got the Nintendo Gamecube in its launch day. It’s a bit more hard to go into in-depthness with emotions as it’s mostly happiness and the anxiety of the desire to receive something you always want.
I think everyone has that moment at least once in life.
So I wrote this essay to try and connect with people about this common form of desire. It’s rather simple in form as more youths these days play video-games.
First the essay started out as just a plain old summary.
After a couple of revisions I’ve tried my best in making it help connect to others and to make clear the significance of this event to me.
It’s still simple from multiple reviews but I think it gets the point across.
I hope to get some suggestions on how to improve upon this essay some more. Without trying too hard.
I’m trying to sound like myself, not some professional at like Harvard or something.
Thank you for your time!
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name Philip On Peer’s name Louis Moshe Leon
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
Interesting
Invigorating
I can relate
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
I believe it has a purpose, but it is not as clear as it could be. Maybe in the story and in the reflection section he can do a somewhat better job of explaining what was so significant about this day. Maybe a lesson learned, how you changed as a person, more?
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
I believe most video-game fans would be very interested in this profile.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
I think anyone who is a big video-game fan, and most young kids of today’s society.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. With a sequel to a favorite game of mines, “Super Smash Brothers”, coming out for it, I knew I had to have it.
b. I pulled through as I spaced out through every period, each period putting me forty-five minutes closer to my object of desire.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
He states that getting his game cube was what has made him a happy, friendly person.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES *NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
It is somewhat ambiguous. He states that getting his so coveted Game Cube has made him a better person, but does not extensively or effective3ly explain why. Try explaining a little better why it was such a big deal to you, and why finally getting it made you a “better” person.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 *YES NO Par. 5 *YES NO
Par. 2 *YES NO Par. 6 *YES NO
Par. 3 *YES NO Par. 7 *YES NO
Par. 4 *YES NO Par. 8 *YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
I feel he could have done a better job of explaining the who, where, and how. What I mean is you weren’t so detailed in describing the way things were happen; you were very vague.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES NO *SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
I don’t believe anything he said was off topic or uninteresting, rather he seemed to express them in a less enticing manner. Such as the way he described the morning he went to get his game cube: Chinese place, going to aunts place, and waiting on line.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
*YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES *NO Comment:
Like I said I feel that many of his methods of expressing himself may distort what he really want to say. I understand everything he meant, I really did. But I feel others might take what he said as something else, thus taking away from the story.
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? *YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
None
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
No one could be interviewed; this was his own personal experience.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
His own recollection.
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
It appears that everything is accurate. His quotes and paraphrases are properly attributed
to the speakers.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? *YES NO
b. Present the thesis? *YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? “YES NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? *YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? YES *NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? “YES NO
d. Comments: I liked the enthusiasm you showed for “your object of desire” very much. However, I felt that you border lined ambiguity and were somewhat hard to follow easily at times. I suggest going back and rereading your paper, acting as if you someone who does not know you. If and when you read your paper objectively you will see that some thoughts of yours could be harder for an outsider to understand. Also this entire paper is more a vague narration of an important moment to you. You should try to be a little more descriptive with people and things because it’s not really easy to almost picture this event.
But listen, all these comments I left on you paper is just a reflection of how hard I am on myself as well. I am just offering you tips I do on my own stuff, not trying to be over analytical.
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name__Philip On Peer’s name___Altea Shehu
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
When I first started to read, I thought that the event was not going to be strong enough to have a good significance. But as I read on, I could see that it really meant a lot to Philip and the potential is there but it needs to be stronger.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
This essay connects with boys his age and the fun in games. It seems that the purpose is to show that something so small like a game cube can shape a person later on in life.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Boys would love this essay just because it has to deal with video games. Boys start early on to like games even into early 20s and even older than that.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
The essay is directed to game loving kids, specifically boys. It’s appropriate for boys because that is all that they care about; their video games.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. Audiences knows what Philip is talking about when he says that he found himself just thinking about the game.
b. He describes what the scene was like when he went to buy the game. Everyone can relate what it feels like to know that maybe you wont get what you want.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
I am a person that finds joy in having fun, and all this fun would shape me into the happy and friendly person you know today.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
The thesis statement has to have more into it that will show what the essay will specially talk about.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES NO Par. 5 YES NO
Par. 2 YES NO Par. 6 YES NO
Par. 3 YES NO Par. 7 YES NO
Par. 4 YES NO Par. 8 YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes he has. He has answered the basic questions.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
The topic was not keeping me interested.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
He was excited about getting the game cube but the essay could have been better told.
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 and conclusion Why?
The introduction and conclusion need more added to it to make the essay and significance stronger.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
Philip probably interviewed his father being that his father took him to get the game.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
His father was with him that day.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
He just uses memory.
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
Yes.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES NO
b. Present the thesis? YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES NO
d. Comments:
The introduction needs to be more interesting and elongated.
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES NO
d. Comments:
Again the conclusion could be better. It needs to have us thinking and needs to talk about what was said in the essay.
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name: Philip ———— Peer’s name: Phanessa Jean
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I think it was interesting, although I m not striving for a game cube I can definitely relate and I think many others to because at some point in life there is without doubt something to strive for that nothing in the world would get in the way of fulfilling the desire..
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
I think the purpose is to show the excitement of getting something that you have always desired as well as the anxiety of not getting it.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone who knows what it is like when he or she has to have what he or she wants.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
The author has not specified the audience to which the essay is directed but I would guess that it could be to probably a people that are fanatical of video games
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. The author cite an issue called the electronic Gaming monthly that I think only someone who has an idea of what he is talking about would know
b. He also mentioned “a copy of Luigi’s mansion” which I personally had no clue of what he was talking about. I guess you need a somewhat knowledge on the game for the essay to appeal to you.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
He did not give the main point or thesis but from reading it I would say that it is the excitement of getting what you have always desired.
Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
Not applicable since he did not give any thesis.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes he has done so. His father, the clerk and he were the persons he mentioned the what deals with the game cube where was toy’s R us when sometimes around year 2000.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES NO SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES NO Comment:
Although I still have no idea what Luigi’s Mansion is.
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
Luigi’s Mansion.
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
I don’t understand why he mentioned 9/11
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
There was a small exchange of word between the clerk and the narrator no particular interview
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
There weren’t many of those but yes they were clear and correct.
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES NO
b. Present the thesis? YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES NO
b Provide something new to think about? YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES NO
d. Comments:
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name
hillip Peer’s name: Patrice Bendig
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
I thought the story was cute and an easy read. It made me laugh to picture a little boy anxiously awaiting the release of a gaming system.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
It informed about an event that left an impact on the author.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone who is at least seventeen or eighteen can appreciate the memory of wanting a toy as a child and the excitement related to it
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Anyone who is at least seventeen or eighteen can appreciate the memory of wanting a toy as a child and the excitement related to it
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. I was a bit shocked. I was too short to see any of the remaining boxes. It took me a second to recover, and before the clerk had a chance to say another word, “Black please” came out of my mouth so naturally I didn’t even realize that I said it twice
b. I was worried when I got my first report card two weeks before the release of the GameCube.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
Game cube made the author the happy person he is today because it brought him a lot of joy.
Is the thesis specific enough? YESIf not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 YES NO Par. 5 YES NO
Par. 2 YES NO Par. 6 YES NO
Par. 3 YES NO Par. 7 YES NO
Par. 4 NO Par. 8 YES NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
Yes, because he mentions where the gamecube was bought and played, who bought him the gaming device, the day he bought it and how anxiously he waited for the day of the arrival to come.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
The 9/11 fact was unnecessary
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES NO Comment:
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
It was a personal recollection
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES
b. Present the thesis? YES
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
Grammar needs to be fixed, along with the transitions of the paragraphs.
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name__Philip___________ Peer’s name__Diana Concepcion______________
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
The introduction threw me off because it doesn’t clarify what the purpose of the essay is or what it will be about. I was able to follow the story but it was confusing at certain points and the wording should be changed up a bit. The story line and described emotions are interesting.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
–YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
The essay expresses childhood emotions everyone experiences.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
People who have a passionate interest in video games can relate to this story the most whether it’s a child or an adult.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
There isn’t a clarification as to who the essays directed to.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a.
b.
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
“If I looked at getting the GameCube another way, I guess you could say that it that the GameCube was merely an object containing what I wanted; it was the fun I wanted from it which would shape me into the friendly person I am today.”
This is the concluding sentence of the essay but I would also consider it the thesis because it is a statement of the point and meaning.
Is the thesis specific enough? –YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 –YES NO Par. 5 –YES NO
Par. 2 –YES NO Par. 6 –YES NO
Par. 3 –YES NO Par. 7 –YES NO
Par. 4 —YES NO Par. 8 –YES NO
All paragraphs are related to the thesis.
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: The essay covered all of these aspects well.
The topic is covered to an extent. The story is confusing however and needs some editing. There should also be more added to the conclusion.
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES NO —SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
The way in which some details were described with similes and metaphors made then interesting. However, there were some repeated unnecessary facts including the ones about school.
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
YES NO —UNSURE If not, explain here: Most of the information exemplifies why certain emotions were involved but some details were elaborated too much rather than getting to the point.
c. Is the information understandable to you? YES —NO Comment:
It is understandable to a point but needs adjustments
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES –NO
List terms that need to be defined here:
The Chinese food is stated but what exactly is it? There were some grammar errors.
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. —1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why? It is too short and should have more information about yourself.
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
None
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
The writer experienced the story.
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
none
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? YES —NO
b. Present the thesis? –YES NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES —NO
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES –NO
b Provide something new to think about? –YES NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES —NO
d. Comments: The essay ends too abruptly.
Pon,
Would you send me an email of the names of the people who responded to your floating workshop? I know that you had problems when you changed your timestamp, so I want to make sure that those who are supposed to do get credit. Thanks.
Hey I know that I wrote something but it doesn’t seem to be here anymore so I rewrote it.
Written Peer Response
Essay writer’s name_____Philip____ Peer’s name______Kristina Afrides_______
Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
*1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
The introduction seemed a little dull and should be reworded to draw the audience into the paper.
2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
YES What do you see as that purpose?
A passion of someone’s.
*3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
Anyone who has a hobby.
4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
Teenagers and yes it is appropriate.
5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
a. topic
b. word usage
*6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
A passion can be life changing.
Is the thesis specific enough? no If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
Should try to relate it to everyone.
*7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
Par. 1 no Par. 5 NO
Par. 2 NO Par. 6 NO
Par. 3 NO Par. 7 NO
Par. 4 NO Par. 8 NO
*8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
yes
*9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? SOMEWHAT
Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
The topic itself doesn’t seem as though it would fit everyone
b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
UNSURE If not, explain here:
c. Is the information understandable to you? NO Comment:
I get how something can affect you, but in this sense I’m a little lost with the video game.
d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
List terms that need to be defined here:
10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
*11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
a. What person or persons were interviewed?
He is the main character.
b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
He knows the story first hand
c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
yes
12. Does the introduction
a. Get readers’ attention? NO
b. Present the thesis? NO
c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
d. Comments:
13. Does the conclusion
a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
b Provide something new to think about? NO
c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
d. Comments:
Hey Philip, I did comment on your floating workshop. Can you please let me know if you have accepted it because i don’t see it in your comments and if its not there, I don’t credit for it so can you please check it again?
Thank You.
hey im pretty sure i posted a comment for your floating workshop, can you check your list of comments to check to see if you have approved mine because i cannot find it in your list of comments here. thanx
Phillip, I definitely commented on your floating workshop. Can you check to see if you have approved it, because it’s not here.
Thanks.
I commented on your workshop too. Can you see if you can find it and post it? thanks
I commented on your workshop but I can’t find my comment. Could you please release it? thanks